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The Most Wonderful/Terrible Book in the History of Ever

I love when people pour more than one flavor of crazy into a stew pot and stir them thoroughly.  What’s that? You want to cross nutball 9/11 conspiracy theories with psychic powers? A Bigfoot  mash-up with the theory of Atlantis? The ghosts of Civil War soldiers haunting my homeopathic medicine?

Yes! Buy me a ticket.

Often, my most profound feelings of joy and fascination are  sprinkled with a dash of terror. I initially giggle at the pretentious stupidity of it, but then slowly drown in horror when I realize that people really believe this shit.

This is no exception. Yesterday, while walking around a bookstore, I found myself face to face with the greatest/worst book I’ve ever seen.

No, not the Bible. It’s even better than that.

Drawn to the store’s “Phenomena” section, I spotted this beauty:

Oh. Fuck. Yes.

The blurb on the back only getting better as you read it in its entirety:

Exposes the agenda behind the bio-robotic grey aliens’ genetic manipulation of certain human races

• Reveals the Grey’s nature as sophisticated self-aware machines created by a long vanished extraterrestrial civilization

• Explains how their quest to capture human souls appears in the historical record from biblical times

• Explains how the phenomenon of racism is a by-product of their genetic tampering

In 1997 Nigel Kerner first introduced the notion of aliens known as Greys coming to Earth, explaining that Greys are sophisticated biological robots created by an extraterrestrial civilization they have long since outlived. In this new book Kerner reveals that the Greys are seeking to master death by obtaining something humans possess that they do not: souls. Through the manipulation of human DNA, these aliens hope to create their own souls and, thereby, escape the entropic grip of the material universe in favor of the timeless realm of spirit.

Kerner explains that genetic manipulation by the Greys has occurred since biblical times and has led to numerous negative qualities that plague humanity, such as violence, greed, and maliciousness. Racism, he contends, was developed by the aliens to prevent their genetic experiments from being compromised by breeding with others outside their influence. Examining historical records, Kerner shows that Jesus, who represented an uncorrupted genetic line, warned his disciples about the threat posed by these alien interlopers, while Hitler, a pure product of this alien intelligence, waged genocide in an attempt to rid Earth of all those untouched by this genetic tampering. Despite the powerful grip the Greys have on humanity, Kerner says that all hope is not lost. Greys exist wholly in the material world, so if we follow the spiritual laws of reincarnation and karma, aiming for enlightenment and rising above the material–a state the Greys are unable to reach–we can free ourselves from their grasp.

Got all that?

The intergalactic Pinocchios are kidnapping people and probing their anuses — or is it ani? — because they’re cold, fleshbots who lack souls and need to study us to find them. They must think the soul is tucked behind the prostate.

Oh, and they invented racism. And Hitler.

However, I do think it’s a little hypocritical of us to blame the Greys for racism, yet we’re the ones naming them solely by the color of their skin.

But there’s still hope! Apparently we can defeat these malevolent procto-nauts by all joining hands like the Whos of Whoville and cracking open some Deepak Chopra quantum bullshitery.  I’m not quite sure how New Age woo-woo will chase off fantastically advanced alien robots with space ships and creepy mental powers.

Maybe they’re as turned off by that bullshit as I am.

 

About the Author: Mike Gillis

Mike Gillis is co-creator, and co-host of Ask an Atheist. He hosts the Radio vs. the Martians! and
Mike and Pól Save the Universe!
podcasts.

He also enjoys comic books, the Planet of the Apes, and the band Queen.

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8 Comments on "The Most Wonderful/Terrible Book in the History of Ever"

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Adam Crocker
Guest

Conspiracy theories that combine Hitler and Aliens are the best conspiracy theories!

“However, I do think it’s a little hypocritical of us to blame the Greys for racism, yet we’re the ones naming them solely by the color of their skin.”

I find it more hypocritical that they regard Nazism as evil, but are obviously just as obsessed with genetic purity.

Adam Crocker
Guest

…without wanting to exterminate and/or enslave humanity as well, just to the dodge the even more obvious cliche. (I found it interesting that, “the robots all want to kill us!” is part of western society’s cultural background in Christianity, whereas it’s comparatively far more rare in Japan with its Shinto and Buddhist culture.)

Mike Gillis
Guest

Evil soulless materialists want to destroy us and steal our spiritualism!

The only thing missing in this book is for the aliens to be affiliated with Satan.

Fabricio
Guest

And who says they aren’t, Mike? Or, maybe… ARE YOU ONE OF THEM!??

Jake
Guest

It’s like a splinter group of Scientology only more out there.

Hellbound Alleee
Guest
I must “respectfully” disagree. The Greys are incompetent little negligent drivers who couldn’t even find their own anuses with their long index fingers. This is a sad attempt to cover up the True Alien Conspiracy, that of the Normals, in order to take away all Slack. The Greys are naught but a diversion created by Jehovah One, the Space Alien masquerading as God, to keep Pinks and Normals from awareness of the True Threat from Planet “X.” The only way to escape annihilation is to send a mere 35 dollars to J.R. “Bob” Dobbs. It is well worth the price… Read more »
Vincent Assington
Guest

Presumably if they are machines then they won’t necessarily die, right? But humans allegedly have souls and we do die.

So what makes them think that souls are the key to eternal life if these beings with souls always die, and the beings without souls have the potential to live forever?

I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying the book to find out.

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