I love when people pour more than one flavor of crazy into a stew pot and stir them thoroughly. What’s that? You want to cross nutball 9/11 conspiracy theories with psychic powers? A Bigfoot mash-up with the theory of Atlantis? The ghosts of Civil War soldiers haunting my homeopathic medicine?
Yes! Buy me a ticket.
Often, my most profound feelings of joy and fascination are sprinkled with a dash of terror. I initially giggle at the pretentious stupidity of it, but then slowly drown in horror when I realize that people really believe this shit.
This is no exception. Yesterday, while walking around a bookstore, I found myself face to face with the greatest/worst book I’ve ever seen.
No, not the Bible. It’s even better than that.
Drawn to the store’s “Phenomena” section, I spotted this beauty:
Oh. Fuck. Yes.
The blurb on the back only getting better as you read it in its entirety:
Exposes the agenda behind the bio-robotic grey aliens’ genetic manipulation of certain human races
• Reveals the Grey’s nature as sophisticated self-aware machines created by a long vanished extraterrestrial civilization
• Explains how their quest to capture human souls appears in the historical record from biblical times
• Explains how the phenomenon of racism is a by-product of their genetic tampering
In 1997 Nigel Kerner first introduced the notion of aliens known as Greys coming to Earth, explaining that Greys are sophisticated biological robots created by an extraterrestrial civilization they have long since outlived. In this new book Kerner reveals that the Greys are seeking to master death by obtaining something humans possess that they do not: souls. Through the manipulation of human DNA, these aliens hope to create their own souls and, thereby, escape the entropic grip of the material universe in favor of the timeless realm of spirit.
Kerner explains that genetic manipulation by the Greys has occurred since biblical times and has led to numerous negative qualities that plague humanity, such as violence, greed, and maliciousness. Racism, he contends, was developed by the aliens to prevent their genetic experiments from being compromised by breeding with others outside their influence. Examining historical records, Kerner shows that Jesus, who represented an uncorrupted genetic line, warned his disciples about the threat posed by these alien interlopers, while Hitler, a pure product of this alien intelligence, waged genocide in an attempt to rid Earth of all those untouched by this genetic tampering. Despite the powerful grip the Greys have on humanity, Kerner says that all hope is not lost. Greys exist wholly in the material world, so if we follow the spiritual laws of reincarnation and karma, aiming for enlightenment and rising above the material–a state the Greys are unable to reach–we can free ourselves from their grasp.
Got all that?
The intergalactic Pinocchios are kidnapping people and probing their anuses — or is it ani? — because they’re cold, fleshbots who lack souls and need to study us to find them. They must think the soul is tucked behind the prostate.
Oh, and they invented racism. And Hitler.
However, I do think it’s a little hypocritical of us to blame the Greys for racism, yet we’re the ones naming them solely by the color of their skin.
But there’s still hope! Apparently we can defeat these malevolent procto-nauts by all joining hands like the Whos of Whoville and cracking open some Deepak Chopra quantum bullshitery. I’m not quite sure how New Age woo-woo will chase off fantastically advanced alien robots with space ships and creepy mental powers.
Maybe they’re as turned off by that bullshit as I am.
